Love as understanding

In middle-class Pakistan, marriage is the prescribed future for all women, but premarital contact between sexes discouraged. To find right partner, then, without visibly flouting social norms, requires a skillful balancing act private interests and aspirations, public representations collective concerns. Young women often navigate these conflicting demands by developing what they call an understanding: secret relationship that normalize involving family at late stage to orchestrate arranged marriage. Firmly enmeshed within life of joint families, understandings are instance neither defying patriarchal norms nor pursuing self-cultivation them. Instead, offer window into how young live explore new possibilities vestiges normative structures. [love, marriage, desire, morality, consumption, family, Lahore, Pakistan] پاکیستان کے متوسط طبقہ میں شادی ہرعورت مستقبل کا جزہے اور اس سے پہلے جنسی روابط کی حوصلہ شکنی جاتی ہے۔ ان حالات اپنا صحیح ساتھی تلاش کرنے لئے ہنر مندی توازن قائم کرنا ضروری جس نجی دلچسپی خواہشات ساتھ عوامی نکتہ نظر اجتماعی سوچ کو مدنظر رکھنا متضاد تقاضاوں حل ہے "انڈراسٹینڈنگ": ایک خفیہ سمجھوتا ملاقات سلسلہ جو بعد خاندانی رضامندی ذریعہ بن مشترکہ خاندان سماجی زندگی گھرے ہوئےماحول یہ دلچسپیاں نہ تو بزرگوں اصول خلاف ورزی کرتی ہیں نشونما۔ برعکس موجودہ اصولی ساخت نئے طریقہ کار راستہ کر لیتی ہیں۔ [محبت، شادی، خواهش/تمنا، اخلاقیات، کھپت، خاندان، لاہور، پاکستان] “Yes, you could say I already had spy in household. It made it easy me make my decision,” Samra said, jokingly, as she recounted met married Sherafghan.11 Throughout this article, have used pseudonyms people also changed some identifying details. My interlocutors spoke Urdu, Punjabi, English. English words otherwise Urdu or Punjabi sentences been italicized. All translations own. A few years earlier, her elder sister his brother, wedding events continued relations families provided Sherafghan with ample opportunities meet get know each other. She liked from moment saw him, accepting advances allowing courtship develop, mindful other matters. Through visits sister's home, learned in-laws were open-minded people, daughters-in-law house considerable freedom movement. “One has be careful when making understanding boy,” confided. “I knew never wanted where was not allowed go anywhere everyone watched every move.” At same time, able reassure Sherafghan's sincerity. “My would tell things like ‘Don't worry, he playing you. seen him on phone girls … hardworking, goes work time. He will keep well.’” Their developed over year, almost entirely secret, eventually culminated family's sending formal proposal typical way initiate proceedings urban Pakistan. environment discouraged, finding How such concerns both constrained informed wider pressures practices among Lahore's upwardly mobile “new-middle-class” groups (Maqsood 2017; see Maqsood 2014). More specifically, economic precarity desires consumption growing combined, pattern noticed globally (Donner Santos 2016). This combination strengthened living Pakistan's aspiring middle class. The pooling resources, through living, reduces risk everyday costs, facilitating greater spending luxuries pleasures associated status. practicalities sit uneasily, however, women's romantic desires, which evoke centered around nuclear life. Yet opens up space individual interests. use their kin connections match, draw emotional elders socially sanctioned or, termed academic discourse, “love-cum-arranged” alliance 2002; Fuller Narasimhan 2008). play lives relates directly current debates love postcolonial contexts. marital intimate sites question older anthropological assumptions (Thomas Cole 2009; Venkatesan et al. 2011). With regard South Asia, recent scholarship disrupted common division, popular marriages, reflecting traditional pressures, individualized choice agency. On one hand, ethnographies marriages problematized assumption agency autonomy (Abeyasekera 2016; De Neve Mody ethnographic historical challenged depiction alliances “traditional” (Majumdar 2009) described institution gives personal dispositions emotions (Shaw Charsley 2006), well notions companionship affection 2008, 2008; Osella 2012). Taken together, works critique, implicitly explicitly (De Donner 2012), mapping opposite ends “world-historical telos” (Comaroff Comaroff 2001, 267). Here, “modernity” represents shift obligations toward “pure relationships” (Giddens 1992). ethnography follows builds drawing out limitations dichotomies presence arrangements. Presented symbol values, revitalized by, facilitates of, settings. main aim, evaluate provide pursuits. here bears more squarely itself, centering experience enables. local notion understandings, talk about relationships, offers introduces “new conditions possibility” (Faier 2007, 150). That say, potentials avenues, can self-make build financial security fulfillment limited options control. Following Lieba Faier (2007), take “cultural discourse self-making term” (150) interlocuters lay claim “modern cosmopolitan personhood” (149). first glance, love-cum-marriages appear curious place begin discussion possibilities. Usually, especially literature Asia Muslim world, scholars focus elopements openly flout (patriarchal) limits community lifeworlds (Das 1995). They viewed opening new, if ambivalent (Mody 2008), potentialities. Meanwhile, love-cum-arranged insistence acceptance and, case, connections, suggest upholding restrictive structural norms. precisely exploring actions we glimpse form desire agency, opposes fits pursues instead points us thinking self-making, very arrangements inhibit them imagining building future. liberal theorizations “Western” person, much valorizing individual. respect, against least, despite constraints. Although perspective problematized, feminist theory, needs underscored certain degree autonomy. contrast, writing nonliberal, predominantly contexts emphasized relational, situated articulated forms. For instance, Suad Joseph (1993, 2005) argued desire—understood either erotic nonerotic yearning, longing, wish—is learned, taught, practiced relational pedagogies constantly relearned retaught age changing status relationships. Rather than stand outside structures, “assimilated claimed matrix relationships constituted” (Joseph 2005, 81). Perhaps most influential rejoinder, regard, come Saba Mahmood (2001, 2005), whose exploration Egyptian mosque movement emphasizes does reflect resistance bounds. Although, notes, aspirations read false consciousness there agreement imagined forms (Chodorow 1978; Zelizer love. As Lauren Berlant (2012, 45) reminds us, term popularized modern vocabulary radical movements 1960s, oppose institutions (family, religion, capitalism) regulate behavior. But legislates destructive potential offering set conventional narratives images “that install intimacy (most couple intergenerational family) proper providing subject future” (Berlant 2012, 86). represented experienced authentic expression self, opposition collective, is, fact, heavily mediated imagery capitalism (Zelizer 2005). When conceived possibilities” 150) site enact imagine futures. fantasies, flourish site, although influenced market economy, frowned world kinship ties. rather opposing deepened uphold gendered comportment cultivate themselves styles idealized conduct; doing so allows access hidden spaces fleeting moments support “practical logic” (Bourdieu 1977, 1990) Moreover, romance complicity men; arises solidarity complex negotiation pasts, relations, identifications. Understandings encapsulate action clash dominant rules culminate engender. shed light lurk offers. reported 2012; 2000), marriages—with increasing chaperoned conversations phone—remain norm preference prevalence. parts Lahore unsettling are, thus, tension. Couples, who eloped permission male susceptible violence coercion, under trope “honor.”22 areas reports increase men “honor.” Love approval incite violence—in 2014, example, woman stoned death crowd High Court, 2017 shot dead brother court. Aurat Foundation, NGO, estimated least 1,000 killed 2014 name “honor” (Reuters possibility surrounding communities police bodies boundaries 1995; fieldwork, revealed contentious those them, suggesting crossing only reason unions problematic. We need account questions control, interpersonal themes recur across ethnography. Anecdotal evidence fieldwork marriages—in shape elopement especially, marriages—are increase. overall negative perception unions, even successful marriages. generation, romances talking broader transformations particular, changes brought modernity (Collier 1997; Marsden 2007; Menin 2015). Technological advances, phones media, cited reasons why rise, many lament headstrong independent. These remarks ambivalent, signaling resignation decreasing parental authority simultaneously, acknowledgment arrived, ever-present aspiration Discussions maintaining expressing generational differences Thomas 2009, 14). women—including themselves—were equally dismissive because questioned durability match. Paralleling ideas “adjustment” (Uberoi Tyagi 1994), believed unlikely succeed people—of course, women—start having too expectations. engaged argue case exceptional unique, theirs affair built partner. anxiety longevity centrality institution; demographic, Pakistan generally, transition adulthood respect. addition, educated, master's degrees, belonged demographic expected home often, uninterested so. Marriage, circumstances, Given high stakes, prospects carefully cultivated reputations guarded. affected interlocutors. Married forthcoming unmarried particularly midst thus worried consequences disclosure. too, concerned reputation, in-laws, information spilling wrong parties. Ultimately, own position, inside-outsider, gave grew part circles, now based abroad, familiar enough yet distant told did want others out. maintain distance; anthropologists enter amid interlocutors’ familial networks, found mine open sharing remained connections. occasions overstepped boundaries, faced censure withdrawal trust. interlocutor once invited accompany tea gathering neighborhood, (unknowingly) introduced conversation sister-in-law another interlocutor, Saba. Later evening, called me, tears, scolded speaking in-laws. repeatedly asked shared anything disastrous consequence awaited had. Her reaction may sound excessive, reflects anxieties related life, arrangement broadly, groups. Within 2014), (Heiman, Freeman, Liechty 2003; Srivastava 2007), upward mobility closely experience, modernity. Locally, translates children English-medium schools, consuming (locally) branded goods, undertaking Westernized leisure activities. professions, administrative posts professional positions (doctors, lawyers, engineers) state institutions, do income privileges lifestyle. Likewise, promises gone unfulfilled growth sector influx multinationals, liberalization since early 1990s. Many pursued degrees business administration well-paid jobs multinational corporations banks, well-known companies. After graduating, unable land coveted hired pay included promotion (cf. Jeffrey 2010; Jeffrey, Jeffery, Jeffery 2004, harsh labor market, little room vertical movement, along valorized owning business—being your boss—has meant involved small midsize businesses, selling phones, computers, generators, auto parts, on. Those remain employees professions augment investing property. uncertain environment, property investment ventures immensely risky, heavy losses being quick profits. Any setback, caused earner's sudden illness, political instability, quickly push down socioeconomic ladder recovery 2017, 7). initial high. available support, rely offset costs distribute risk. cases, owners salary themselves; instead, combined household business. together entrepreneurs achieve success 2016) enjoy success. Combining basic frees money enjoying goods activities match intention reduce mere its continuing contemporary Its persistence simply deference “tradition”—although certainly talked manner presented marker morality. Rochona Majumdar's (2009) analysis emerging engagement colonial modernity, joint-living invigorated involvement “modern.” class itself enterprise culture, display valorize 2016), led support.33 am class, norm. upper-class arise look after elderly parents, considered unusual away parents. moral If, according Zygmunt Bauman (2003), dissolution “traditional bonds,” kinship, leads “liquid modernity,” consume arrangements, brothers residing parents sisters. Depending range possessing single-floor portion above house, includes bedrooms separate kitchen. Samra, mentioned beginning, lived floor; helped son, time bedroom, kitchen, space. Yasmeen, appears later single-story bedroom eating parents-in-law brothers-in-law. hoped day afford second story. restriction, increased surveillance housework everyone, source help company house. women—married unmarried—rarely leave unchaperoned, sisters-in-law means accompanied always wait home. shall see, skill navigating bonds pursue idea mediates tensions contradictions pursuit expectations recounting leading differentiated aṣl mǒḥabbat (“pure” “real” love)—usually spoken thing past—and shallow frivolous intentions motivate alliances.44 Aṣl literally “original,” something harks back foundation essence. esoteric connotations, symbolizing pure Sufis Allah. contexts, exhibits selfless tendencies. Such comparisons reflected effects “globalized life” (Menin 2015, 896) reputation self-representation (see, e.g., Carey express worries depend cultivating romances. past, comment, couples fell committed ever exchanging words. days phone, committing, difficult determine (real) timepass 2010). criticisms, different interested timepass, presenting morally upright 2012).55 Across instances left midway while understanding. could, here, jokingly subtly indicated case. cases explained mistake error judgment man's character. Similar kinds distinctions nostalgic valorizations noted (Marsden Schielke 2015; Willerslev examples concepts classic literary forms, Sufi poetry, dāstān, g̠azal (Abu-Lughod 1987; Olszewska Orsini 2002).66 G̠azal refers Persianized amatory poems sung recited during Mughal times. Dāstān narrating story fable, past events. music, played cassettes cars radio, Internet media platforms. Popular dāstān characters referred conversation, relation exemplary behavior traits. representative “authentic” containing articulating matching purity depth. Central figure Beloved, ambiguously represent adoration Allah worldly passions; interpretation depends mood reader listener. occasionally drew sources, quoting referring couplet elaborate feelings explain meaning conception sits uncomfortably associate experience. love, whether context attachment otherworldly Creator, constitutes loss annihilation self. stands domestic domain obligations, identities, constitute person it.77 poetic emotive tradition, much-described passion typically exist domains (Dalmia 2006). language: directly, no equivalent direct you.” ideally linked Samuli (2015, 178) notes parallel Egypt, ideal true sacrifice increasingly “for sake something, just sake.” language attempt resolve attached it. relying languages comfortable speaking, describe terms dating going out, commonly English-speaking pejoratively. preferred understanding—for hamārī ho g'aī (our happened)—which sincerity seriousness intention. denoted frivolity immorality, reserved fun, commitment. word text messages poems, song lyrics, quotes sent via written cards, rarely uttered verbally emotions. There similar avoidance using closest piyār mǒḥabbat, though siblings, female friends. dating, connotated immorality Abeyasekera 2016, 7; 41). used, example “Phir un ne kahā, meṅ āp ko bahut kartā hon” (Then said much). Partne